I don’t want you but I miss you,father

I said it.

I just spend the last 10 minutes listening to One direction singing Story of My Life and T.O.P rapping Oh Mom, and I can’t seem to stop my tears from falling.

I hate feeling this way. I hate being so sad about not having you in my life.

My keyboard is stained with black tears from my eyes perfectly outlined with mascara.

And I can’t seem to stop my tears from falling.

Why does it have to hurt so much?

You’re not proud of my choice of life, I get it, but why do I have to feel like crap simply because you weren’t happy with what I desire?

Why?

I don’t want you back in my life,father, no, because I know I don’t mean enough to you to be in yours, but I miss you so much.

I cry every time I watch a video of a kid and a parent. I hate it.

I don’t like crying for you, not when I know you don’t give a flying rat’s ass about any of the shit that I’ve been through.

The only image that pops up in front of my eyes when I think about you, is seeing you drink coffee and chitchat with the man that almost raped me.

ME. ME; YOUR DAUGHTER!

I’m trying to be strong, but it hurts so much. I miss you, but I don’t want you back.

I wished you a good christmas, I wished you a happy birthday, but you didn’t reply. Im done.

The ball is in your hands.

Wanna know the saddest part?  The parents of my friends support me, when you’re the one who should!

I almost cried from saddness and gladness when I danced for E’s mother (I danced to Chris Brown-momma because it was a dare) and she cried and said “Because I love you” when I said “No please don’t cry, why are you crying?”.

My soulmate told me to not worry, she told me that when I marry my exception, his father will be my father. That I’ll have a dad then.

Is that suppose to make me feel better?  I hope so, because it’s not working so far.

What is it makes it possible for others to see what my parents are too blind to see?

I miss you, father, I do.

Even though I hate some of your ethics, opinions and perspectives on life with passion, I miss you.  I miss sitting the car next to you when you drive, I miss hearing your awful voice, trying to sing…

I miss the you that I mattered to.

I miss the you that sat by my bed as a kid and made sure I didn’t have any nightmares.

I miss the you that would do anything to keep my eyes dry.

I miss the you that would miss me too.

I know.

You’re just gonna sit and blame me.

Im proud of what I did.

I hope you realise that soon.

I hope you realise that it’s not about what you’ve got; it’s about what you make of what you’ve got.

I miss you nontheless.

I miss the you that would miss me too.

 

Thank you for reading.

For everyone who has parents they no longer talk to, for those with parents they no longer respect nor like:

You don’t have to force yourself. Not everyone is blessed with parents that love is unconditionally.

Some have parents who helps them pack their bags are the move to Sydney to try a new lifestyle, while others have parents who drink coffee and chat with the man who almost raped their kid.

Such fair distribution. Can’t handle.

 

Im done. Time to wipe there annoying tears away and get up.

 

Peace is international<3
I fight for you, so you should too~
Fight!

 

 

 

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