Back to square one

Im silently crying. Im suffering all alone. It feels like Im slowly dying.

Let me tell you what happened because I sure as hell can’t put it in to words…

My sister’s husband and my cousin drove me to the veterinary because I had to take my rabbit Lakritz there since he has a cold. He’s fine, that’s not the problem, the suffocating pain began here: They said we has to make a quick stop at my cousin’s place to leave the computer which was in the trunk of the car. I didn’t think much of it and agreed since they said it’d only take about 10 minutes. It didn’t occur to me that he would be living with my father until I found myself parked infront of the villa I knew so well. It took about a split of a second for every angle of my last memory in that house hit me, over and over again. It felt like it was happening again.

I felt his hands around me, holding my hips and a lump grew in my throat.
I felt his tongue on my lips, trying to enter my mouth but not managing, ending up licking my lips and my nose turned red.
I felt his fingers grabbing my shirt, trying to rip it off and the tears started running.

I just sat there in the car, alone with my pet, crying.

They returned and started driving… I kept on crying in silence. They didn’t get it. Idiots.

I got home, locked myself up in the bathroom, cried my eyes out for a few more minutes, fixed my make-up, left the apartment.

It’s like they poured salt on my cuts. Now it feels like every person I know is gonna do the same thing to me. If my uncle can do it in my ow house, why wouldn’t anyone else?

Now Im back home and I’m still crying.

 

If you know me or see me in real life, please don’t touch me. Don’t even try to give me a hug, please, unless I kindly ask for it. Don’t even pat me on the back because I even freak out when Im riding the escalator..

Please.

 

 

If you can, save me please. I feel like Im slowly dying.

 

And R, you were wrong. I don’t need a pillar, I need someone to trust.

Right now, I don’t trust anyone.

Im so tired of suffering. So tired of pain. So tired of life. I don’t wanna give up. Im not gonna. But Im so exhausted.

Thank you for reading.

I think I have to wash away the black mascara-tears from my face now.

O.

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2 thoughts on “Back to square one

  1. Hang in there. You will get better, I know you will. You’re such a strong person. I didn’t know any of this back when you were still in school. I know plenty of people who have been through similar things and many times I’ve been able to tell before I was told in words, but you’ve never given away any signs, from what I’ve seen. I know I’m not the person you’d think of when you need someone, but I wanna let you know that I will be there if you ever do need me ❤

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