Silence. shrieking silence.
I’m loosing track of time and I find myself staring at the wall for hours, trapped inside the motionless silence in my head. I am freaking out and I’m in panic. I need to know yet I don’t want to.
this loudly shrieking silence is consuming me and there’s no escape.
Is this a condition? Is there an actual diagnosis? I can’t even bring myself to die.
Is there a cure? I’m going crazy.
I sometimes turn on the music and just sit, without realising, blankly staring at the wall. No focus. No emotions.
I notice this growing urge to know, You see. I just need to know.
The future freaks me out and I panic. It makes me wanna scream and punch holes in the wall.
I have this maddening obsession over knowledge and not knowing what the future is hiding from me makes me freak out.
My soulmate thinks is because I think I’m all alone and no one else will protect me but myself. She concludes that it’s because I have this belief that something bad is gonna happen if I loose control.
Maybe she’s right; She does know me better than anyone else, including myself.
I have this urging hunger to have control and power in all things and not having it when it comes to the future, I fucking panic and wanna hit something.
This is not healthy, I know, but this is who I am. HOW I am. I don’t know any other way.
Then again, I prefer being alone. Nobody can hurt you if you’re alone.