A swelling in my chest, an ache deep in my soul, I suffer as I’m wrapped up in thoughts of you.
I listen to music as my sight unravels from colours to an imperfect grey scale, my mind filled with your name, a rather large stamp covering pieces of it within it’s venom.
My breathing picks up pace as the tiny legs of my heart starts running, faster and faster, trying to run away from it’s own feelings. I mock my own stupidity, my inability to stop loving you.
I’m breathing, baby but it’s not air.
It hurts and I imagine your hand gently placed on my cheek with your thumb caressing the tear stained skin underneath it. My eyes remains closed as a smile creeps upon my lips, encouraged by the surreal image of you, no doubt. I reach out to hold the hand resting on my face and my eyes tear up; you’re not here.
I struggle with convincing my like-mahogany stubbornness, trying to give you up yet it does me no good; I remain locked within your heart.
Your voice humming my name, your chuckle praising my influence or your eyes shining with joy and pride, understanding and passion as I reveal my inner thoughts… They all cut deep. So much deeper.
Being far away hurts.
I know now.
The clock it ticking and my time is coming. I was told I wouldn’t last this far yet here I am, wishing I hadn’t.
With a heart filled with worry and doubt, I” count down the reaming 21 days until I’m sitting on that plane to you. The worry within me feeds on my hate towards trust, it consumes my hopes of happiness and love and I am powerless in it’s spotlight. I remain motionless. How do I tame my worried mind? How do I hush my bruised heart?
How do I convince it? Convince it that you won’t turn away, that you’ll stay?
How can a person be so confident and strong about everything but trust and love?
How can this life have succeeded in it’s mission, filling my heart with such excruciatingly painful doubt towards the two eternal factors for happiness?
I promised. I will try. I will break the chains and I will grow new wings.
I try baby, I try to leave you behind but the heart wants what it wants.
The only man locked within my heart, the only idea of happiness hidden in my heart.
No one but the man you hide under that smile.