All I wanted was to make you proud

Hi

How are you?  Is life kind to you?

Do you still drink disgustingly bitter coffee in the morning? Do you ever knock on my bedroom door, hoping I might be sleeping my bed if you were to open the door a bit.

I don’t know which wish keens louder in my heart; Hoping life treats you kindly so you won’t have to realise the pain you’re causing me or hoping you never forget how you scarred me.

I remember, clear as a crystal still, how my only desire was to make you proud and remain your little girl until the end. I wanted you to puff out your chest and point at me bragging “That’s my kid”.

All I ever wanted was to make you proud, you know. I wanted to do something good with my tiny little life, I wanted to set my limitless soul free. I wanted to do good for people and be there for them, the way I needed you when I was a kid.

Wanna know what kills me alive,though? The way you shout in my face, asking my to stop being so selfish, the was I need to think about my family’s desires and wishes.. the way you tell me I wasn’t good enough of a child… the way you curse me hoping god gives me a child just like me for me to suffer through the same things like you did.

I was filled with rage and anger and I picked up my pen and put it all on a page, I let it all out through dance but you call me a disappointment. You look at me and state your disbelieves, asking how a person who won scholarship and diplomas for being an exceptional student

I’m just a kid. I never needed anything but your trust and believes. Yet you tattoo Looser on my forehead before I’ve even picked up my sword.

———————————

You might know about the text messages I received the same day I cut my hair, 2 weeks ago…

Well, the tell tale continues:…

A 20 years old girl, with a heart filled with passion, you know this girl.

She went to meet her father’s wife, you was gonna say goodbye. She’s gonna fly for her dream, you see.

In the middle of her hot chocolate sipping while chatting with the lady in front of her, the wife brings up her father and she could tell there was something wrong. Her stomach turned and she knew. He’s here.

Lifting her gaze, anger blazing in her eyes, she sees him. he stares at her face, not recognising her daughter for a second. Where did the silent girl go? The girl who looked at the grown and did everything she was told? Where did the girl I had tightly leashed go? Who is this girl?

She sees his nanosecond long confusion and every fiber in her body fills up with cocky pride. That’s right.

Suddenly the cocky sidecut makes her fuzzy with evil joy. The bold make up, the black and white clothes, the  leather boots and her eyes burning straight into the man she once did everything for.

They hug for a second, only for a second, and she is proud she doesn’t break apart. don’t fall down, you’ve come too far for this.

They sit down and his first question is mocking yet he expects her to give in, taken by surprise at her confident reply.

“So, how’s life without a father?” He mocks her, expecting pain.

“Pretty good”. replies calmly, leaning back in her chair and place one of her arms on the table.

The conversation escalates and soon he’s telling her to stop all of this.

Telling her he knows she’s doing it all do anger him, telling her do give up this dream-bullshit and do something useful. He’s telling her she’s forgotten all about her culture and religion. She feels numb, his words cut deep but they’re only poking on the scars from the past.
Angered, she snaps, you see, and she fires back all she has kept inside, reminding herself to keeping her voice down.

“You’re asking me “what good is your happiness gonna do if you’re happy but your family isn’t” But what on earth is happiness is gonna serve you if I’m stuck in the life you choose for me, suffering in misery?”

The girl receives no answer to her heartfelt outburst he avoids her question.

He steps on her nerves and repeats the history. ” You really think you’re good enough to make it? You’re no damn Beyoncé, you’re no Madonna. I mean, let’s say you make it, the furthest you could possibly go is like that Michael Jackson guy and you saw how it went for him, didn’t you? The man practically killed himself with drugs and alcohol” At this point, the girl doesn’t know how to contain her anger so she snaps. “You don’t not jackshit about Michael Jackson and don’t you dare looking down on my dreams. Like it or not, I’m gonna go.” She rises up, her chin high as she picks up her bag and jacket. “Hey! don’t you dare walk away from me. Remember that text I sent? Never forget those words! I hope god curses you with a child just like you and if something happens to me and I die, don’t you dare coming to my-” She has had it with this bullshit and walks away. He’s still talking behind her and she slowly realises that no one has every done that to him before. Well they should!
As she passes the wife who switched tables when the father showed up, she shoots her a quick glance, the girl’s gaze filled with nothing but betrayal, anger and disappointment.

She walks away but she doesn’t feel relieved at all…
Leave me alone. Let me be. 

———————–

About a week later the girl get a call from her father while she’s walking trough down and the name flashing on and off on her phone’s screen brings tears to her eyes. She’s tired from this and exhausted and no longer wants the face of the earth to open up and swallow her whole.

“yes?”

“Look, this is your last warning.”
“You said it was ok for me to go in the first place when your wife asked you, don’t you dare turn on your word and say it’s not ok now. Is my feelings a damn toy to you?!” She vomits her venom.

“No I don’t think they are a toy but I thought you would give up this stubborn act if I told you it was ok. ”

“Well you were wrong”
“You’ll bring nothing but shame to us. If you dare getting on that plane, you’ll no longer have a father and-”

She hangs up and sighs, feeling the tears threatening to fall down.

Why.. Why. 

—————–

End of story.

I don’t need you if this is how it’s gonna be. Go away! and stay away!

What parent hates her child for being different?!

I’m not giving up! Now I NEED to prove you wrong!

You’re my biggest hater and your hate feeds my greed.

Keep your eyes open!

XOXO

Ozzy

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