realisation – It hits you hard

I cried over missing home for the first time today; I only know realised just how far away I am and as I am typing this post, word by word, my vision is blurred by the continuously streaming tears. It took me some time but realisation hit me and it when it does, it knocks you off your feet.

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I just realised how unable I  am to just walk in to the next room and hug my mother, I realised how unable I am to hear my younger sister as she screams to the other players while she plays LOL. I realised how I can’t hear my niece squeal with joy over seeing me home and running up to me, begging me to pick her up so she can shower me with kisses.

I just realised…How alone I am.
Alone and Lonely.

It took me some time but I didn’t really think I would cry over homesickness.

Why am I crying now out of the blue?

I just finished LiveChatting with my sister and my niece through SnapChat and seeing her waving to me and asking me how I was hit me so hard that I couldn’t keep it in.

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This is the snap I received from me sister before we started the LiveChat. She’s talking about how she’s caught chickenpox.

As we started the LiveChat she asked me “Auntie, where are you?” And I couldn’t keep it in and my tears exploded.

I’m sorry Tanem, I’m sorry, my sweetheart. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I’m not around. I’m sorry. I wanna die I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I shouldn’t apologise but I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.

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Many people may not know this but since the day she was born, I’ve been her nanny every weekend. She’s been the care of my hands ever since then and being away from my baby love hurts so much.

I didn’t realise it until I saw her.

I miss my mom, I miss my annoying and lovely sister, I miss my soulmate, my friends, my niece, my bed, my shower, my mother’s food. I miss it all so much.
But I have a statement to make and a dream to make reality of; an argument to prove. I have a battle to win and most of all: I have hateful people to prove wrong.

I have to survive this. I’m too harsh on myself but being alone and being the only one to have my back when shit gets real, I have to fight without rest and prove myself. I deserve this.

I’m sorry my sweetheart, I’m sorry I’m so far away.
And I’m sorry for crying.

I’m sorry

I miss you though. I’m sorry.

XOXO

Ozzy

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