Don’t bother asking me how I am; we both know the answer to that.
I ate brunch with Selma and my buddy Quinny before watching The Avengers. It was all good and laughters even though I’ve been feeling like shit lately.
After the movie, I said goodbye to Quinny, knowing very well that today was out last day to hang out before he leaves for home on Thursday.
I came home and sat down on my bed. I found myself staring at the door and I noticed I was crying without even knowing it. It was at that moment that I realised that my cup is filled and it’s brimming over. I couldn’t keep it in anymore and here I am, crying.
Don’t bother asking me why, one part of me knows while the other half is as confused as she could get. Everything on my mind has boiled me up and now I’m loosing it.
All the flashbacks from my traumas, dad, mom, night terrors, my friend Q leaving, GOD I WANT MY UNCLE’S HEAD ON A PLATTER, missing my soulmate, Tim and whatever bullshit is going on with us; hell I don’t even know and I don’t even give a shit anymore..
Quinny is flying back home to his lovely wife on Thursday and I’m gonna miss him a little too much..
Tim is… man I don’t know what the hell is wrong with that kid but I’m done with it. I’ve never seen someone push someone else around and make them suffer so much with the explanation “Because I like you”. If this is how you like people, I feel sorry for the ones you love, mate.
You’re afraid? Maybe it’s time to grow up and smell the fucking coffee. I get it, you’re leaving and it hurts.
I LIVE 2 CONTINENTS AWAY FROM MY FAMILY AND THE PEOPLE THAT MATTER THE MOST TO ME, don’t talk to me about the pain of leaving. You’re coming back after 6 months, my family don’t even know when I’ll come back. How selfish can a person be?
Whoever is reading this; please, please, please; don’t push away people with the mentality of saving them from pain, you only cause them more and you make them loose whatever feelings and trust they had for you in the progress. We’re grown up enough to decide for ourselves.
Now I’m staring at the door again, my eyes are unfocused and I can’t seem to stop the tears, and I think I want it to open up.
I feel broken. Dead.
My friends tell me I should find someone mature that can be by my side and make me smile; They keep saying I’ve been through enough. “Find someone who deserves you. You’re too valuable for these peasants” they say.
I don’t know. I’ve lost my faith in people.
I’m too exhausted to give someone else a chance. I think I’m okay with being alone. Dying alone.
Shadi. Come faster. I need you more than ever.
I miss my soulmate. I miss you Nessie. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have you.
I’ve cried and I feel numb.
I think I’m lost.