This is gonna be a bit of a emotional post, I suppose.
I’ve recently noticed how I’m often very angry and I think I know why now..
You see, I can feel it within me, inside me; the pain. I feel so much pain from everything that has happened up until this moment that I think I unconsciously cover my pain with anger. I feel it, the boiling rage and behind that, pain beyond the depths of the oceans.
I would break apart if I accidentally showed it, exposed it yet I feel how it’s killing me, piece by piece and this is the only way to keep myself intact.
So I wanna say I’m sorry to the ones closest to me, who have had to endure my rage. I’m truly sorry. I feel such distrust towards everyone that the only person I opened up to about this was Nessie. But I think I need to tell you, because I can’t be the only one feeling like this.
I have been very sick lately yet despite all that I crawled out of bed to make my way to an interview and I’m praying to God that I’ll be a little better tomorrow so I can successfully accomplish my test-day before signing the contract. There’s one person who’s text message I sat around and waited for… I stared at my phone for hours only to receive nothing… and when I confronted that person about that.. I got yelled at and called selfish only cause I didn’t take the time to ask how that person what doing…
I was sick…I’m sorry I was busy trying to not collapse…I asked what happened and in reply, I received:
“You know what, leave me alone, please”.
That’s where I broke down. I took a shower and as the words kept replaying in my head, I broke down, slowly sitting down on the shower floor with the water still running, and started crying.
I kept getting pushed away and pulled back and I’m bending out of shape to fit a person who now told me to just stop talking.
I cried for maybe 30 minutes straight until I could wipe my face and finish my shower.
What crumbles my heart into a gazillion pieces is the fact that despite how much I’m trying, all I wanted was a text that shows that they care, but instead of noticing how important they are to me, that person only sees my words as “complaining”, “selfish” “you only care about you”.
If I did, I wouldn’t have given a shit about receiving a text from you, or seeing that you care. If I did, I wouldn’t cry. If I did, I WOULD HAVE IGNORED YOU SO HARD, YOU WOULD HAVE DOUBTED YOUR OWN EXISTENCE.
I know I’m snappy, am stubborn and I’m very sensitive but I’m a good person and a great woman and I have never felt the need to keep on hiding my pain under piles of rage and anger. Even as I tell you this, I can’t bring myself to open up and tell you about my pain. I can’t..I’ve been hurt by people you should never have to doubt. I’ve been told I am very intimidating.. That’s because I have to keep a watch over my own back.
I feel myself falling apart and the only way to keep myself glued together is by covering my pain with anger; boiling anger. I don’t know what else to do, I’ve always kept myself together; I’ve never had a pillar to rest on… I’m growing exhausted now but this is the way I know.