Ramadan day 15

Hi love!

Im sorry for my continuous absence. Training while fasting is difficult and rather exhausting. As a cherry on top, I have spent the last week worried shitless for T.O.P and his health, praying for him and begging god to give me his pain. I would willingly suffer for him so he can rest. 

Just as I got the news that his health was on it’s way of improving, my uncle, the oldest one in the family, died. We lost him Thursday evening, and I have been unable to share my pain until now. He was like a grandpa to us all, you see; loved by everyone. We don’t know his exact age but he was around 70. The only thing soothing our painful loss is knowing that he is no longer suffering, he is no longer in pain and can rest in peace. Nothing will ever be the same and him being gone still feels surreal. 

Allah sevdiği kullarını erken alırmış. Huzur içinde yat, Osman Amcam benim.  ❤

And thank you god, for hearing our prayers and not taking T.OP from us yet. Thank you, lord. He has so much more to live, see and experience. Thank you, god. 



Missing Sahur

Hi baby!

 Ive been rather bus trying to make my body get used to fasting and only eating at night. It’s been going well so far but I missed the time last night and was unable to get up to eat for Sahur (our last meal before the sun rises).  Being stubborn as I am, I decided to fast today anyways. Not a smart decision. I was dizzy, nauseous and in pain from the moment I get up. Half way through the day I almost fainted and decided to break my fasting and ate. 

The Quran (kuran-i Kerim) clearly states that if one is suffering during one’s fasting and is unable to bare it, one may eat and fast that day after ramadan. If one however simply decides to give up for selfish reasons, one must fast 61 days for every day they break. 

By selfish reasons, it means for example not caring,  giving up, wanting to skip it for an occasion etc.

At the end of the day, what matters is your intentions and motives. 

Choosing to eat, Ive spent the entire day feeling hatred towards my body for not being stronger and being disappointed by myself because I couldn’t finish my fasting. I started this year’s Ramadan fasting with the goal of having 0 days in “debt” to fast. The fast that I failed that mission makes me hate myself. 
Thinking that my mother would understand and encourage me to do better next time, I received nothing but a disappointed look and a sigh after being asked “did yoy break your fast on purpose?”

I didnt expect that. Thinking that she would be proud that I tried my best and prioritised my health, her cold reply made my eyes water and my anger boil. 


Took what I got

Concealer by ARITAUM  (my favourite one), first treatment essence by S Clinic and pocket bunny mist in Sleek and in Moist ( for different seasons). 

I have ordered some more and will make sure to post them as soon as they arrive.
I still feel uncomfortable and some pain so Im gonna lay down.



A day before Ramadan fasting

Hi baby!

I have been so caught up in planning and preparing for this years ramadan fasting that I totally forgot to post. What I have been planning and researching was how and what I should eat in order to maintain my muscles during the fasting. I have finally put together a descent schedule for what I should eat and how I can eat enough to keep all the muscles Ive built. I will keep working out 5 days a week, you see. So this will be ish like a really intense cutting phase. 

I’ll post my schedule when I get home, it’s up on the fridge. 

I ordered a new setting spray from Korea and it arrived last week.

It’s the Clio oil control finw mist spray. It doesnt give a tightening feeling like the urdan decay de-slick spray does but it’s pretty good still. It’s half the price so I ain’t complaining. ^^

How was your morning?



Prepping for competion/show night

Hi baby!

I have so many bruises and scars on my body and hands from the intensive training but it makes me really proud for some reason.

I have been practising on nailing my cross knee release and here we goo

Nailed it!

Im going stay away from the gym this week to let my muscles heal as much aa possible until Friday ~~

How waa your day, baby?


Comparing yourself- dont do it.

Hi baby!

Today was a super chill day. I mostly rested and wrote some on my new story. 

Its midnight at the moment and I caught my reflection in the window

I have been disliking the way my body has been looking lately. The reason for that is because: I ususally look up a lot of fitness accounts on Instagram for workout tips but as time went by, instead of being insprited, I started comparing myself with these mega-fit-no-ounce-of-fat-body women… almost to the point where all I saw waa what was “wrong” with my body instead of what was “good”. Instead of appreciating my strength and my muscular thighs, all I saw was the lack of abs, my not so defined biceps and still giggly inner thighs… and I started to hate it. Even though I’m not “cured” yet (because hating on my body which I dedicated sweat and pain to build feels like a sickness) I was very proud of what I caught sight of in the window. 

This is just a temporary sickness, I still am very proud of my body. I just need to learn to not compare myself to the fitness people I fallow. 

Anyways, how was your saturday, my cupcake? I really hope you got some rest and remembered to eat well. You know I hate it when you ignore your health. 

Sleep tight, sweetiepie. 



Two sides and one bullet…

…who do you protect?

How can you demand me to choose? How can you be so cruel yet ask for such mercy in return?

What tears me besides the fact that I’m stuck in a position where I either choose to shoot myself or the person in front of me, is the fact that the person in front of me forced the gun into my hand, demanding a choice to be made, twice now.

Now, I’m not talking about a real gun here but rather a figurative one. A choice where I have to do some thing for someone else and in return possibly end up in the same position myself soon enough, Or I can choose to not help the person in front of me and let live do it’s job.


That’s what the gun is. The person in front of me is asking for a very large amount of money, an amount which I will need within a few months myself. Now what do you do? Do you get the loan only to hand it over in hopes that the person will eventually pay it back? Or do you say no so you can take the loan for the house you promised yourself you would buy? Who do you chose to protect? HOW do you choose?

One side of me wants to help the person in front of me because that’s what Kal-El and Captain America would have done. Yet the other side of me sees nothing but the flashbacks of a time when I told that person about almost getting raped and that person not believing me. Or the time when that person looked me straight in the eye and told me I would amount to nothing.  How can you be so cruel yet ask for such mercy in return? Do you not know my dead heart and my non-existent soul? Do you not know that your apathetic affection has torn my peace? Do you not know that you are one of the main reasons I recoil from people?

Now I can’t say these things to your face for voicing truths that has been neglected is no more that childish in your eyes. You see no maturity nor any bravery within it. Why should you? The truth rolling off my tongue would be no less than a slap across your face as it would be a pat on the back of my honesty.

What makes you so important? What makes you more important than me?


Fraidai bedtime~

Hi baby!

Well, today ended shitty. I have once again been forced into a position with two possibilities; Im fucked regardless of my choice. I hate the fact that Im put here again because it’s selfish. 

I haven’t slept much the whole week or two, I fall asleep early in the morning and get a few minutes of shut eye.. :/

Anyways, my body is tired from the gym so I’m at least resting 🙂




Hi sweetiepie!

I did a maximum effort workout yesterday and I can barely walk now hahah

Im on my way to work now~

I cant explain how much I love wearing all black, gold and timbs~👌👌👌

It’s finally friday and Im gonna write some on the new story Im working on tomorrow 🙂



Need to snap out it

Hi baby!

I know, I need to get my shit together. Ive Been away for too long. You know when you hav something you really wanna do but cant seem to get yourself to do; thats how blogging has been for me. I have so much to say but the words just wont come out. It frustrates me to the point where I just turn mute instead. Im very sorry. 

I really hope you have been well ❤

I hit a new PR in deadlifts today: 62 kgs 9 x 3. Are you proud?^^

As an apology, here’s a photo of my face without makeup straight out of the shower

I’m on my way home now, I just finished my workout after work. I gotta go home and take a shower. 



Being away

Hi baby!

Im again very sorry for my recent absence; alooot happened. One of them is the rather horrible terror attack that took place here in Sweden which ended with 4 people dying and many more severely injured. The security has been stepped up but Im unfortunately sure it will happen again. This was just a warning. 

On less terrible news, me and my mom havr officially started looking for an apartment to buy and me and Nessie wi begin out YouTube journey soon. 

As a birthday gift, which I need to share, my friend got me the miniature if The Joker

Not my favourite Joker but Joker is my favourite so it still made my day^^❤
Aaaand here is some makeup that has arrived from Korea

Skin Food Peach Sake Finish Powder

Smells awesome and has a lot if stuff in it to add minerals to the skin^^

Tony Moly BCdation foundation cushion

I bought it in a shade darker than my regular  tone so that I can use it after my summer vacation~ The fact that it’s no more than 10000 won is awesome^^


After watching Edward Avilas video, I decided to grab the bull by the horns and buy the Pony Effect skin fit powder pact~~

I hav only used it once so far but it makes a huge difference! The skin gets velvety smooth finish and my oily skin stays under control the entiiiiire day ( I keep my makeup on from 7 am to at least 10 p.m).