Moving out in and in

Hi baby!

I have been away for a few weeks, I know. I’m sorry! In my defence, I was moving ^^.

We have now moved out of the apartment and have now moved into the apartment we bought. Knowing that I now own a 4 room apartment in Stockholm without having it handed to me on a silver platter makes me very proud. We all know that one person that posts pictures of the keys to their new apartment which was bought to them by their parents and served on a silver platter. We ALL know that person and the all famous “Finally got the keys to my apartment. Feeling blessed!” SNS post haha. And we all know how full of shit those people are.
This apartment wasn’t handed to me, it wasn’t bought for me and it certainly had nothing to do with luck or being blessed. This apartment was bought with hard work and a shit ton of stress and planning. Never underestimate your hard work. Fuck that!



That’s right. Even though buying an apartment wasn’t a part of my plans for my future, I am very proud to be a 23 years old and be the youngest owner of a home in my entire family. It probably pisses off some people to know that I accomplished that without being married and without having a man in my life to do all that for me. At this point, I even think my dad and my family thinks I hate men, won’t marry and  probably worship the devil. And no, I don’t hate men, I don’t hate the idea of marriage and I don’t pray to Satan. I just value building up my own life and growing up as a person before a relationship and having kids. That will probably come in the future I bet, I just don’t base my entire existence on it.

The apartment was a mess like I told you earlier so we got it renovated. It looks a lot better now but I haven’t had the time to take some “after” pictures yet so I can’t show it to you yet. I’ll make sure to take some photos and post them here so you can see it all for yourself. ^^ We didn’t redo EVERYTHING because that would be too expensive but we got new floors in one of the bedrooms, the hallway and had ALL the walls and ceilings repainted.

Me and my mom scrubbed the entire kitchen with chlorine to get all the dirt, fat and dust off and because it took us hours to make it decently clean, our fingertips were burning for the next 3 days. So, in order to avoid the same results, I hired a cleaning company to come on thursday next week to clean the house form all the nastiness. I’m expecting the entire apartment to smell like a swimmingpool area haha!

Seeing how dirty and nasty the apartment is at the moment ( and it was worse before)  I really do wonder how the family that sold it lived here like that. Did no one care to get rid of the dust, the fat stains on the doors and shelves or to simply vacuum?

What else? Oh, the apartment is almost completely empty at the moment too. We have ordered new furniture including new kitchen table and chairs, a new couch, a new bed and new wardrobes for mom and my baby sister. We even ordered new carpets and TV stands. You’re probably thinking “why the hell waste all that money on the stuff” so let me tell you why:  During the time that we lived in the previous apartment, we were forced to ONLY use the owners furniture upon his demand. So we pretty much HAD to buy new stuff. Apart from that, because we lived three people in a 1 bedroom apartment, I didn’t have any place to put a bed and therefore; didn’t have one. I slept on two mattresses stacked up on each other which was fine by me. However, because we now have a home big enough for everyone to have their own bedroom, I thought it was time for me to have a real bed; and by real bed I mean one with a headboard and shit! I’ve never had a bed with a headboard before mainly because I didn’t like them but also because I thought they were pointless and took up too much space. My room is decently big now so I figured it would be cool to have one.  All the furniture will be delivered on the 20th and I’m hella excited to build some Ikea furniture ahahah! Do you enjoy building too, baby? I think it’s fun!

This whole moving thing has been very stressful and tiring but also very educational; I did some grown up stuff that I never thought I had do to; such as buying floors, changing fuse plug thingys for the electricity and buy a dishwasher and a stove. WHO BUYS A DAMN STOVE? Also, I had NO IDEA about how many different versions there were; Touch screen, non touch screen, 400 V version, 220-240 V version, different materials of the actual stove, stainless steel or in white etc. I mean holy shit! Also, I had no idea there were different decibel ranges you had to look for when buying a dishwasher… like, it’s a dishwasher?! Apparently anything above 46 db is gonna be too loud if it’s on while you’re sleeping. I mean, who knew that was so important? Apart from this madness, if the stove’s touch sensor breaks/stops working after the warranty has passed, YOU PRETTY MUCH HAVE TO BUY A NEW FUCKING STOVE BECAUSE IT MOST PROBABLY WON’T BE FIXABLE? Ain’t nobody got time for that!
Therefore, I got a non-touch stove and a dishwasher with a 42-44 db range and this is probably the most grown up thing I have ever done so far besides changing fuses.

Moving on, How was your halloween??
I didn’t do much but the amusement park in Stockholm called Gröna Lund had a halloween themed week with 4 new haunted houses besides the one that’s always there.

If you live in Stockholm, did you go? I want with Nessie.
It wasn’t scary much but it was fun nonetheless. The zombie zone and the Olustiga Huset with all the killer clowns was really well made. Also, don’t take my word for it, I have no soul and find horror movies amusing so it wasn’t probably scary to people who has souls and are…human. They claimed that there was gonna be zombies and stuff walking around freely around the park but that did happen which was kind of disappointing.

That’s pretty much it, I think.

Oh, did you hear that BTS is gonna perform on the AMA’s? I AM SO FUCING PROUD. Having been a fan since their debut, I am so fucking proud and hope they perform FIRE to show how a performance is REALLY done.!! ❤

If you have been living under a rock, click Here to watch the music video.

Also, have you seen Monsta X’s comeback music video yet? The song is called Dramarama is it pretty fucking good!! Click Here to see it!

I’ll post more soon. Be careful, don’t catch a cold and don’t forget that this soulless devil is always here for you if you need it.








Back from a small haitus

Hi baby!

I’m very sorry for being away, I truly am. Now, I know I keep saying that yet I disappear again and again. As much as I can’t avoid being away from a time to time, I promise to always come back. Just like I’m doing now.

So…What has happened?

I realised it has  officially been a year since I start my job at Cellip, which also means it has been a year since I got my surgery to have my gallbladder removed due to the stones.

Remember me telling you that I booked tickets to Korea to join my friends there for a few weeks? Well, I have to prioritise other things so I canceled my ticket and my hotel reservation. Apart from the fact that I had to stay due to some reasons, travelling there with the friends that invited me along didn’t seem to tempting after all. Not only was I left to stay at a separate place, when I asked to make sure I wouldn’t be left out during the trip, I received the answer “We’ll hang out together for sure but you should be prepared you might not be able to hang out with us that much since we have our own plans as well”. Well it that’s the case I might as well go there when it fits my schedule better and also the schedule of my friends who live there. So, I said “Fuck it”. I ain’t about to travel all the way to the one country where I feel like at home only to be left alone and fucking hate the trip. Nah uh, fuck that.

I refuse to end up in that situation.

On a  different note, I found an apartment and signed a contract ish 2 weeks ago. I have my loan accepted by the bank and everything it falling into it’s pieces so far. The apartment isn’t really in a fancy place but it has 2 bedrooms, two bathrooms, a big kitchen and a large balcony. It looks like shit at the moment and it officially named “The Ebola Apartment”. I shall therefore not share any photos of it until it is renovated and I can do a before and after shit. The biggest dilemma at the moment is the fact that I want an industrial design to it but my mom and my baby sis wants a simple and classes white/cream colours everywhere kind of design which is fucking boring and flat. I want the apartment to have some personality, after all. I want you to feel powerful and chic. That’s not gonna happen with basic colours and plain designs. I’m not saying white isn’t chic or anything, it’s a very elegant color, But I would like it to have some personality and attitude.

Even though I know buying this apartment was something that had to happen, it burdens me heavily. I have been very stressed because of it, have meetings with the sellers, signing a bunch of stuff, meeting the bank and all that. I have been feeling very anxious lately due to the fact that I don’t wanna make a mistake. It’s a lot of money on stake and I don’t wanna mess up…
It has gotten to a point where I have lost my desire to try harder to dance and the stress has made me loose a lot of hair… :/
Also, committing to an actual apartment with responsibilities and loans and large amounts of money being bounced around, I feel further away from my possibility of moving to Korea where I really do feel like home. Sounds silly, I know, but that’s what it is. I have huge commitments now so I can’t start studying next year either… I know that this isn’t the end. I know I have a lot to achieve. And I damn sure know I have achieved something very few in my family and culture have been able to to at my age. I know… but it still burdens me very much….

I am crying as I am typing this and it really does make me realise how I wish I was selfish and didn’t care about shielding my family like some people. We had to move and we were being kicked out. I had to to something but it almost feels like protecting my family results in me leaving me dreams, goals and wishes vulnerable.

You just wait and see, I’m gonna make the ebola apartment fucking fly and turn it into the Beyonce of all apartments, sell it, buy something smaller and closer to the city. Then, I’m gonna rent it out and focus on my goals. Nothing has managed breaking me up until this day, and this won’t either. The weight the burdens me is heavy, it really is, but I know I can carry it. I might fall for a moment, I might tear up but I keep going.

So no matter what, keep going. Sometimes you have to take a different route than the one you had planned to take, but you’ll reach your destination eventually. As long as you don’t take your eyes off of your goals, no bump or obstacle will be able to hold you back.
Sometimes we fall, sometimes we struggle. We worry, we cry, we loose. And that’s okay.


“When life knocks us down, we can choose whether or not to get back up” – Jackie Chan.





New tatt

Hi baby!

I got a New tattoo done last Friday. It was painful but a more so powerful moment for me. 

2.5 years of waiting and I now have lucifer on my neck, reminding me to never fall for his games. And to never let others mistake me for anything but what I am; brutal and cruel yet also fair and loyal.

[Never forget the evil that lies within you rather than the one waiting for you below your feet. Never forget it so that you may never follow it’s wishes]

And here is the finished work.

It took a total of 5 hours and lots of grunting and shaking in pain. I did not cry and fought through it. Big thanks to Kevin from Ant Tattoo who made it so fucking dope. You can find him on insta at @kewinoart 

I definitely recommend that you check that place out; they are one of the most crazy and welcoming tattoo artists I have ever met. 



My computer is having a moment

Hi baby!

Im so sorry for my absence. I have been stubbornly trying to post through my computer but it is refusing to cooperate so I have been unable to post anything. Enough is enough and I am now back on my phone. 

I have a lot on my plate lately. I decided to help my dad, for some unknown reason, with a few of his business issues which will be solved if I start an identical company an move over all of our assets from the current company to the new one. Sooo, I have to take a few tests to get some sort of permission to open a new company, 7 tests to be exact. I have also, aside from all this, started choreographing again. 

So besides my own work, gym and dance, I now have two other business issues on my plate.

Maja, a friend, told me she has booked tickets to korea for a month in oktober with a friend, and she ofcourse told me AFTERWARDS, adding a “you should totally join us”. Sure, let me join you when you have already booked everything and made plans…again. she did the same thing last year. But nontheless, I have friends in Korea that I miss so I decided to join them for the last two weeks (I have tickets to Rolling Stones on the 12th of oktober and I cant miss that) . I hope it turns out to be fun though… I’ll be hella mad if they leave me out, seeing as I am staying at a different place and all. 

Who knows, I can still cancel all the bookings, so no promises made yet. I just dont wanna fly all the way there just to be bored…

Oh well.


Pre vacay todo-lists

Hi baby!

How was your day? Tomorrow is midsummer’s day in Sweden so I’m off work. Our teamleader for our department is on vacation so I have taken her place until she comes back. 

Im on my way home now, finally.

The ramazan celebrations begin on Sunday so I have to remember to repaint my nails, dress up and go visit the elders. Mom is gonna make lasagne so Im hella excited. I only eat my mom’s lasagne because no one else can even get close to hers. 

On another note, summer vacation is around the corner and I still haven’t bought everything I need…like sunscreen, a proper bikini set and an everyday bag. Because I always use my gym back, I don’t own regular every day bags for shit that doesn’t involve the gym. 😀 

Oh and I forgot to tell you yesterday; I can donate blood in August again so I can do my lucifer tattoo and my wonderwoman tattoo after that. 

Do you enjoy korean dramas? I just finished watching She Was Pretty from 2015 and oh my god was is not adorable and so so sweet. And ofcorse, the male lead actor had to be handsome to the point of no return.^^

You should watch it if you haven’t, sweetie ~~!

Oh and have you checked out Monsta X’s comeback song, shine forever? It was such a good song and the music video was even more so. I dont understand why they don’t distribute the lyrics more fairly but.. oh well.

Then again, BTS’ lyrics are almost never fairly distributed either, which is odd seeing as they ALL have powerful and beautiful voices.. :/



Back on my feet

Hi baby!

Ive been gone, mourning my loss and trying to stay strong in order to keep fasting. There’s only 3 days left and I am feeling a little less like the world is empty.

I have been trying my best to work out during ramadan and have been cutting during that period. I have gone from 65 kg to 62.5 kg and kept my muscles. I am hella ready to get back to working be like a horse until I can’t walk. 

I am on my way to work now, the weather’s kinda nice but it’ll most probably rain later in the afternoon.

How have you been, cupcake? Good? Have you eaten well?

I received ny newly placed order with bcaa energy drinks, bcaa and protein products yesterday. Im gonna bring my whey and casein to the vacation as well. 

You know me, there ain’t no rest for the wicked. ^^


Ramadan day 15

Hi love!

Im sorry for my continuous absence. Training while fasting is difficult and rather exhausting. As a cherry on top, I have spent the last week worried shitless for T.O.P and his health, praying for him and begging god to give me his pain. I would willingly suffer for him so he can rest. 

Just as I got the news that his health was on it’s way of improving, my uncle, the oldest one in the family, died. We lost him Thursday evening, and I have been unable to share my pain until now. He was like a grandpa to us all, you see; loved by everyone. We don’t know his exact age but he was around 70. The only thing soothing our painful loss is knowing that he is no longer suffering, he is no longer in pain and can rest in peace. Nothing will ever be the same and him being gone still feels surreal. 

Allah sevdiği kullarını erken alırmış. Huzur içinde yat, Osman Amcam benim.  ❤

And thank you god, for hearing our prayers and not taking T.OP from us yet. Thank you, lord. He has so much more to live, see and experience. Thank you, god. 



Missing Sahur

Hi baby!

 Ive been rather bus trying to make my body get used to fasting and only eating at night. It’s been going well so far but I missed the time last night and was unable to get up to eat for Sahur (our last meal before the sun rises).  Being stubborn as I am, I decided to fast today anyways. Not a smart decision. I was dizzy, nauseous and in pain from the moment I get up. Half way through the day I almost fainted and decided to break my fasting and ate. 

The Quran (kuran-i Kerim) clearly states that if one is suffering during one’s fasting and is unable to bare it, one may eat and fast that day after ramadan. If one however simply decides to give up for selfish reasons, one must fast 61 days for every day they break. 

By selfish reasons, it means for example not caring,  giving up, wanting to skip it for an occasion etc.

At the end of the day, what matters is your intentions and motives. 

Choosing to eat, Ive spent the entire day feeling hatred towards my body for not being stronger and being disappointed by myself because I couldn’t finish my fasting. I started this year’s Ramadan fasting with the goal of having 0 days in “debt” to fast. The fast that I failed that mission makes me hate myself. 
Thinking that my mother would understand and encourage me to do better next time, I received nothing but a disappointed look and a sigh after being asked “did yoy break your fast on purpose?”

I didnt expect that. Thinking that she would be proud that I tried my best and prioritised my health, her cold reply made my eyes water and my anger boil. 


Took what I got

Concealer by ARITAUM  (my favourite one), first treatment essence by S Clinic and pocket bunny mist in Sleek and in Moist ( for different seasons). 

I have ordered some more and will make sure to post them as soon as they arrive.
I still feel uncomfortable and some pain so Im gonna lay down.



Comparing yourself- dont do it.

Hi baby!

Today was a super chill day. I mostly rested and wrote some on my new story. 

Its midnight at the moment and I caught my reflection in the window

I have been disliking the way my body has been looking lately. The reason for that is because: I ususally look up a lot of fitness accounts on Instagram for workout tips but as time went by, instead of being insprited, I started comparing myself with these mega-fit-no-ounce-of-fat-body women… almost to the point where all I saw waa what was “wrong” with my body instead of what was “good”. Instead of appreciating my strength and my muscular thighs, all I saw was the lack of abs, my not so defined biceps and still giggly inner thighs… and I started to hate it. Even though I’m not “cured” yet (because hating on my body which I dedicated sweat and pain to build feels like a sickness) I was very proud of what I caught sight of in the window. 

This is just a temporary sickness, I still am very proud of my body. I just need to learn to not compare myself to the fitness people I fallow. 

Anyways, how was your saturday, my cupcake? I really hope you got some rest and remembered to eat well. You know I hate it when you ignore your health. 

Sleep tight, sweetiepie. 



Two sides and one bullet…

…who do you protect?

How can you demand me to choose? How can you be so cruel yet ask for such mercy in return?

What tears me besides the fact that I’m stuck in a position where I either choose to shoot myself or the person in front of me, is the fact that the person in front of me forced the gun into my hand, demanding a choice to be made, twice now.

Now, I’m not talking about a real gun here but rather a figurative one. A choice where I have to do some thing for someone else and in return possibly end up in the same position myself soon enough, Or I can choose to not help the person in front of me and let live do it’s job.


That’s what the gun is. The person in front of me is asking for a very large amount of money, an amount which I will need within a few months myself. Now what do you do? Do you get the loan only to hand it over in hopes that the person will eventually pay it back? Or do you say no so you can take the loan for the house you promised yourself you would buy? Who do you chose to protect? HOW do you choose?

One side of me wants to help the person in front of me because that’s what Kal-El and Captain America would have done. Yet the other side of me sees nothing but the flashbacks of a time when I told that person about almost getting raped and that person not believing me. Or the time when that person looked me straight in the eye and told me I would amount to nothing.  How can you be so cruel yet ask for such mercy in return? Do you not know my dead heart and my non-existent soul? Do you not know that your apathetic affection has torn my peace? Do you not know that you are one of the main reasons I recoil from people?

Now I can’t say these things to your face for voicing truths that has been neglected is no more that childish in your eyes. You see no maturity nor any bravery within it. Why should you? The truth rolling off my tongue would be no less than a slap across your face as it would be a pat on the back of my honesty.

What makes you so important? What makes you more important than me?