I’m very sorry for being away, I truly am. Now, I know I keep saying that yet I disappear again and again. As much as I can’t avoid being away from a time to time, I promise to always come back. Just like I’m doing now.
So…What has happened?
I realised it has officially been a year since I start my job at Cellip, which also means it has been a year since I got my surgery to have my gallbladder removed due to the stones.
Remember me telling you that I booked tickets to Korea to join my friends there for a few weeks? Well, I have to prioritise other things so I canceled my ticket and my hotel reservation. Apart from the fact that I had to stay due to some reasons, travelling there with the friends that invited me along didn’t seem to tempting after all. Not only was I left to stay at a separate place, when I asked to make sure I wouldn’t be left out during the trip, I received the answer “We’ll hang out together for sure but you should be prepared you might not be able to hang out with us that much since we have our own plans as well”. Well it that’s the case I might as well go there when it fits my schedule better and also the schedule of my friends who live there. So, I said “Fuck it”. I ain’t about to travel all the way to the one country where I feel like at home only to be left alone and fucking hate the trip. Nah uh, fuck that.
I refuse to end up in that situation.
On a different note, I found an apartment and signed a contract ish 2 weeks ago. I have my loan accepted by the bank and everything it falling into it’s pieces so far. The apartment isn’t really in a fancy place but it has 2 bedrooms, two bathrooms, a big kitchen and a large balcony. It looks like shit at the moment and it officially named “The Ebola Apartment”. I shall therefore not share any photos of it until it is renovated and I can do a before and after shit. The biggest dilemma at the moment is the fact that I want an industrial design to it but my mom and my baby sis wants a simple and classes white/cream colours everywhere kind of design which is fucking boring and flat. I want the apartment to have some personality, after all. I want you to feel powerful and chic. That’s not gonna happen with basic colours and plain designs. I’m not saying white isn’t chic or anything, it’s a very elegant color, But I would like it to have some personality and attitude.
Even though I know buying this apartment was something that had to happen, it burdens me heavily. I have been very stressed because of it, have meetings with the sellers, signing a bunch of stuff, meeting the bank and all that. I have been feeling very anxious lately due to the fact that I don’t wanna make a mistake. It’s a lot of money on stake and I don’t wanna mess up…
It has gotten to a point where I have lost my desire to try harder to dance and the stress has made me loose a lot of hair…
Also, committing to an actual apartment with responsibilities and loans and large amounts of money being bounced around, I feel further away from my possibility of moving to Korea where I really do feel like home. Sounds silly, I know, but that’s what it is. I have huge commitments now so I can’t start studying next year either… I know that this isn’t the end. I know I have a lot to achieve. And I damn sure know I have achieved something very few in my family and culture have been able to to at my age. I know… but it still burdens me very much….
I am crying as I am typing this and it really does make me realise how I wish I was selfish and didn’t care about shielding my family like some people. We had to move and we were being kicked out. I had to to something but it almost feels like protecting my family results in me leaving me dreams, goals and wishes vulnerable.
You just wait and see, I’m gonna make the ebola apartment fucking fly and turn it into the Beyonce of all apartments, sell it, buy something smaller and closer to the city. Then, I’m gonna rent it out and focus on my goals. Nothing has managed breaking me up until this day, and this won’t either. The weight the burdens me is heavy, it really is, but I know I can carry it. I might fall for a moment, I might tear up but I keep going.
So no matter what, keep going. Sometimes you have to take a different route than the one you had planned to take, but you’ll reach your destination eventually. As long as you don’t take your eyes off of your goals, no bump or obstacle will be able to hold you back.
Sometimes we fall, sometimes we struggle. We worry, we cry, we loose. And that’s okay.
“When life knocks us down, we can choose whether or not to get back up” – Jackie Chan.